Family Finances & The New American Way

March 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment

 

I have always been semi-terified to watch the brilliant financier Susie Orman. She made me feel as though if one hadn’t figured out one’s retirement plan by age 25 AND were well on your way to fulfilling that amount (let’s not even acknowledge the new  ING commercial with the 1,09,85.00$ price tag on a modest retirement) you were basically, well,….screwed!. So I would shudder and change the channel as I happen to have regrets…and not a few. So recently, waking in the middle of the night to ponder my financial future (and not without its’ usual quota of anxiety), I happened to happen upon Suzie Q giving a BRAND NEW schpeel….and please do not quote me but it went a little like this: The New American Way….Forgive Thyself!

What? Susie saying what? Yes…she had a middle aged man on the stage who had blown his student loans badly among many other financial errors and she was hugging him (as he welled up)…giving him her absolute permission to love and forgive himself and take it from there. I kept watching…and to my delight and amazement here is what I heard or at least here is MY interpretation of what I heard!….(let’s hope it isn’t all a dream)…

Beating ourselves up continuously about financial mistakes we have made is not only non-productive and depressing, it is reactive in nature and hence, drains of us any and all positive and proactive energy we could be harnessing NOW to start to get back on track financially. In this new and American financial era every dollar is pretty much earned the hard way. Time and sweat. Again.Gone are the quick fixes, bank loans, family borrows, commissions, expense accounts and even the generations of improbable  dreams about them. But this is not to say we are or should be negative about the state of our money. It is to say that to be realistic and productive at the same time we must stay positive, and that, in and of itself, will begin to generate the prosperity TODAY we may have lost or under appreciated in the past.

Appreciation…that is a huge issue.  If we can stay in the NOW and look around and truly appreciate what it is we do have; health, family, friends,food, shelter,faith…ONE beautiful breezy day… that is likely to boost our energy in a way that can begin to help us look at life from a more prosperous vantage point. What do we have? rather than what we do not…what have we gained? rather then what we have lost. And if the only answer to that question is “WISDOM”…well, that is a good enough answer and can boost our self esteem just enough to take us to a more stable and prosperous financial future…starting today!

So America, save more and spend less…live below your means and not above…but if in your history you did not realize the importance of this credo….then start again with a clean plate. Dump the negative and self critical mind set and love thyself for wising up. Susie says: (and I do not quote) it is the only way to get back on top! And if that is not on top of a pile of money it will be the prosperity you gain from a richer quality of life by appreciating it (and yourself) more…which is nothing to sneeze at….but something to dream of…

I hope this was helpful and, as always, I am here to help….

 

“If the day and night make one joyful, one is sucessful.” Henry David Thoreau

Filed Under: Depression, Families, Finances, Life Coaching

LGBT Therapy:Individuals and Couples…What is the Difference?

March 11, 2012 By Leave a Comment

 

As a trained couples and family therapist it is remarkable to me how people misunderstand the similarities and parallels of working with the Lesbian Gay Bi-Sexual Transgender population are to working with the mainstream population. What I observe is that the  most highly misunderstood dynamic has to do with the feminine/ masculine dynamic in couples that is present no matter what the sexual orientation or gender is. For instance in a heterosexual couple , the male component (for all intents and purposes we can call it The Yang energy) often is more embedded in the female and the Yin energy or feminine energy (again, by now we all know the Yin-Yang concept that describes the feminine-masculine duality, right?!) can be more embedded in the male person in the couple. In fact, statistically and based very loosely on my own practice, it is about a 50/50 shot as to which partner emulates which energy!

What does this mean in terms of the behavior of a couple? In about 50% of couples the male runs the finances, initiates sex, drives the car,holds the primary vision of the future and is the generally more proactive member. About 50% of the time it is the woman who is steering the ship. The results are not better or worse, good or bad…as long as each member is in general comfortable with their relative role; the results seem to be approximately the same.

The way this ties in to therapy with the LGBT population follows….gender and/or sexual orientation tend to mean very little in terms of the dynamics of relationship or even for an individual in therapy….it is the Yin and Yang of it that really counts. In other words, each of us is more proactive or passive by nature and take on relationship and our worlds from that vantage point.  I do not mean to simplify what can be a very complicated situation for many people; especially in terms of coming out, transgender issues,and same sex couples. But I do mean to submit that it is more about the energy a person exudes than it is about anything else. Our true nature needs to be discovered via the therapeutic process, an authentic place to come from as we tackle our life. In the end, this is what a good LGBT developed therapist can offer…it is more the Yin and the Yang of it that truly counts, more than any assigned roles, values or expectations.

I hope this was helpful and, as always, I am here to help…..

 
Filed Under: Couples, LGBT

Addiction Treatment: Celebrity vs Civilian Families

February 15, 2012 By Leave a Comment

To the lovely Whitney Houston: Farewell and comfort on your new journey beyond the pressures of this earthly world….and may your passing help broaden all our knowledge about not only the lack of protection celebrity can bring…but the walls that may make it more difficult to help….

But while everyone grieves Whitney and  the many artistic and creative people lost to addiction in the musical, literary and art worlds we have to ask the question about addiction in our own families; How do we know, when do we intervene when our children, partners, friends and/or parents are struggling with substance abuse? As an M.F.T. and hence, a very specifically trained family and marital therapist, the question that rises to me immediately is: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY WE TREAT OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WHO ARE NOT PART OF THE WORLD OF CELEBRITY?   It really seems people in her family and entourage knew Whitney Houston was intermittently but critically struggling with substance abuse but felt often at a loss to help, and tried the only tact they could truly employ over many years….to simply monitor and manage her as closely and as best they could…Under fairly constant vigilance, 7 minute checks when she was showering and NO unmonitored baths. Clearly, she had almost slipped under the water previously in a tub and it was supposed to be ruled out as an option for her. But at the Beverly Hills Hotel that night, on the eve of her mentor Clive Davis’ party; well, if  Whitney Houston ever really decided not to comply I can only assume there was no way to make her.  Ultimately, there was is no fail safe way to simply monitor a substance user as we all know in the field of addiction. Treatment and recovery is the only answer. But, and here is a BIG but,  in our “civilian” and not celebrity families we have so much more more leverage then when the addict is one of the rich and famous! So, it is important to not parallel Whitney’s family’s experience and effort with the power the average person in our community may have with its’ addicted family member or friend. The point here is that although it is important to take the celebrity experience as fair warning…..in OUR world of the not so rich and famous we do and can have a much, much more effective way to get any suspicious member of our family to treatment…whether in-patient, intensive out-patient or weekly therapy. And what is the magic a less well known person’s family has on it’s addicted or teetering member? Very simply put it is that when the eyes of the world are not upon the patient nor is the love and adoration of millions upon them….the love of simply their mom or mate or best friend may hold enough importance to that individual that the loss of the few who truly care and love the “civilian addict” up close and personal, often holds a more compelling reason for them to get help… and if they choose not to it is also ultimately a more devastating loss of one of perhaps a handful of people who truly care .Very unlike and much larger and relatively powerful then the “star” who gets plenty of adoration…addicted or not. Let’s make sure as professionals and family units in our often “not quite so famous communities” we continue to work together to make sure OUR clients and loved ones are learning and recognizing the symptoms in themselves and their family members as early as possible with the understanding that the love of only one or of a few people (you and I included) may be just enough leverage to truly help them into a recovery process ….it is very different (and i believe incomprehensibly more effective) than when trying to help those artistic geniuses in the media whom the entire world will continue to support and unabatedly adore no matter what their substance status may be…

I hope this was helpful and as always I am here to help…Jody Miller M.F.T.

For a better understanding of the  symptoms of specific drugs and their overall effect on the celebrity and civilian world  please refer to my friend and colleague’s article about Whitney Houston and radio interview with B101.

Filed Under: Addiction, Couples, Families

Are You S.A.D.?

February 1, 2012 By Leave a Comment

Seasonal Affective Disorder or “Winter Blues” is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. So if you notice you are extra sluggish, anti-social, super hungry, down and moody and it happens to be January or so…don’t be too hard on yourself! That feeling to curl up and hibernate with the bears is shared with half a million people in this country; many of whom do not realize they are suffering from the effects of their hormonal cycles changing with the darkening of days…and not for the better!

Melanin, thyroid and growth hormones are less productive with less light…these are the “get up and go” hormones shared by men and women alike. The fluctuation in hormones doesn’t typically affect basic functioning… you can still make it to work and get through your day. This is how it is different then dystemic disorder or a full-blown depression. However, it can affect your relationships and social life enough to have an impact, in other words…you don’t wanna!

You don’t want to go the extra mile; do that extra project for work, take the kids on that special excursion, treat your partner to a night on the town…your sex drive may diminish and any issues that may have been manageable 3 months ago seem a bit overwhelming now. Basically, sleep and your bed seem to be the most appealing.

So, what to do about the kind of disorder you can anticipate happening yearly? There are several things that work. Make sure you DO get yourself to the gym. At the very least bundle up and take a few walks. Exercise gets the brain chemistry (endorphins and the like) stimulated and helps to make up for the disruption of hormones. You can also purchase full spectrum lamps and bulbs that mimic the outdoor light that your body is missing.

But perhaps most importantly, make sure any issues that have been swirling around, the issues that might make you down on a good day, are handled. Although you may be able to put them on hold for most of the year, when winter comes and SAD strikes, those issues come to the forefront. And although they may be difficult to confront, not doing so may find you too sad for too long. One of the complications of SAD is that it can sometimes progress to a major depression syndrome. However, if you confront and clear up those issues now, it is more likely that in winters to come, you will have enough awareness to make the short days and long nights cozier and happier.

So, take heart, spring will come. You aren’t crazy or lazy…you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Hope this is helpful and, as always, I am here to help.

Jody Miller M.F.T.

For Lights: www.naturebright.com

Filed Under: Depression

Couples Counseling: Earlier Intervention!

December 30, 2011 By 1 Comment

I think one of the most unfortunate phenomenons concerning couples counseling is that partners wait way too long before deciding to get treatment. The truth is that whenever two people are committed to putting their lives on one track there are going to be some major or minor difficulties. Instead of folks deciding to connect to a unbiased third party they speak with friends and relatives and start polling people they either know together or individually for advice. Invariably, there are prejudices that start to emerge as your friends and relatives all have their own agendas, histories, injuries, etc. that will be projected upon you and your relationship. So as the information starts to come back to you it can often be very dangerous for a developing or even mature relationship. Although people do not mean to take sides it is very difficult to remain unbiased when they see you in pain from your relationship…and so advice that may be given comes from an emotional place rather then a fair and just analysis of what is happening in your relationship.

Another tremendous problem that arises when speaking to loved ones about problems in your relationship is this…. if you two are able to work things out, if and when you decide to forgive your partner, your other loved ones often do not!  So often couples come to me and this specific damage has already been done. And, the problems in the relationship have not been worked out yet! But now there is an added problematic schema….animosity among family members and/or friends, grudges being held, towards your partner whom you have chosen to work it out with….because you still care deeply for that person. So extra pressure is added to an already difficult situation. And now you are defending the person you love to the people you divulged your relationship problems to!

So, please heed this warning and use a therapist before beginning to ask and get opinions from people close to you. Often treatment can be as simple as one session to get through a small rough patch. Sometimes, a little more time and treatment is is necessary. I am always so sad for couples that have let things go so very far unnecessarily. The injuries have just piled up and , although we work like heck to get things on track, there can be that place that is too difficult to return from as a couple…and sometimes the pressure from relatives and friends who have formed negative opinions about your relationship accelerates that process. Okay, so you get it? Come to counseling sooner rather then later and I promise the odds of working things are greatly enhanced.

Hope this was helpful…and ,as always, I am here to help…..

Filed Under: Couples

Love in the Time of Facebook (Part 1)

June 28, 2011 By 1 Comment

We all are aware of the phenomenon of Facebook…but do you think you are the only couple facing the plague it has brought upon American couples? As a couples’ counselor I have witnessed the devastation. Let me tell you a little bit about it.

5 of 8 couples I sit down with these days have a Facebook story to tell. It probably sounds a little bit like yours. Your partner, whom you never thought would cheat, has had a flirtation…with a childhood sweetheart, with a friend of a friend, with a brand new person who seemed to validate him or her when you didn’t. And when you have broken into their account you are amazed, dazzled, confused and just a little bit angry. Or perhaps they haven’t or couldn’t break into your account (yet) and you are suffering the guilt of one who knows they haven’t quite done anything wrong (yet) but in about 2 minutes you are going somewhere your partner could REALLY have an issue with.

So what is the new normal? When is friending cheating?

I am going to ask you…and I want you to reply to me….but here are my ideas about Love in the Time of Facebook.

If you examine your motives and find you are getting something from your new friend that your partner doesn’t give you. Instead of asking your partner for that interest, that curiosity or that discussion, you are asking your new friend on Facebook. When you are chatting about the inadequacies of your mate or giggling together about your mutual problems with your mates, when you look at your partner and wish you could look at that friend of a friend right now instead When there is the possibility you could meet…catch up on old times, have a drink and a laugh (no foul, no harm),…these are the signs that a line has been crossed.

It is fine when you are making the connection, but it is so not when it is happening to you! So, take heed dear couples, Love in the Time Facebook is not to be taken lightly…let me remind you I charge a hefty fee to bring you guys back from these debacles…and these days The Facebook fallout business is booming! Better you should review the rules of the Facebook game with your partner before you friend another soul…ask each other what is acceptable and what is not. And if there are any questions or concerns…ask ahead of time before you are too far in.

And if the boundaries aren’t clear…ask me…

Hope this was helpful, and as always, I am here to help.

Please send your comments and questions for further blog discussion to me and we can debate together the new normal…

Filed Under: Couples

Treating Adolescents

March 23, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Question:
What is the top causes of stress that you see in adolescents?
What methods do you recommend to manage stress for this age group?

Answer:
The top cause of stress in adolescents is: disharmony in the home and family

Even though there is a lot of peer pressure, drug and alcohol use, even though hormones are raging and issues around sexuality can be stressful and confusing, even though there is overexposure to sex and violence through the internet, Xbox, etc, and even though part of the healthy development at this age includes issues around dependency and therefore the need to assert oneself and often rebel against authority figures (such as parents and teachers);

If there is a parental system that is balanced and emotionally healthy, teenagers tend to remain stable and relatively anxiety free. When there is disfunction, arguing, alcoholism, and separation and, hence, neglect of the adolescents emerging needs, a teenager (who tends to feel alienated by the sheer strength of the physiological changes occurring) will become stressful and tend to isolate more. A parental system that is open and safe for a teenager to discuss his or her issues with or even that sense of a peaceful, safe environment is the lifeboat of any emerging adult.

So if there is no one at home to talk to I would suggest the adolescent finds an adult mentor, whether in the family, school, a coach or club…someone he/she feels they can trust and then open up to that person…ask questions, tell your problems to, discuss choices…in the end it is a simple formula…a teen doesn’t know what it feels like to be a grown-up with adult responsibilities…and as those responsibilities begin to become apparent (collage boards, romance, finances, etc.) it is SCARY!!! Who knows how to handle all this? The nearest stable adult…hopefully in the family home…but if not…suggest they find one! It beats all the alternative stress relievers by a mile…

Hope this is helpful and, as always, I am here to help.

Filed Under: Families, Teens

All Stressed Out (Teen Article)

December 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Jody Miller, M.F.T. offers sound advice for stressed out teens in the Fall 2010 issue of Kiki Magazine. Kiki Magazine is a magazine for girls who love life, appreciate creativity, and recognize good ideas.
Read the Article: “All Stressed Out” by Sara Rowe.

Filed Under: Teens

Divorce, Facebook Style

September 1, 2010 By Leave a Comment

The following article appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer

Posted on Mon, Jul. 12, 2010 By Carolyn Davis

Facebook is being cited in many divorce cases.  Read the article here.

Filed Under: Couples