Are You S.A.D.?

Seasonal Affective Disorder or “Winter Blues” is a form of depression that occurs in relation to the seasons, most commonly beginning in winter. So if you notice you are extra sluggish, anti-social, super hungry, down and moody and it happens to be January or so…don’t be too hard on yourself! That feeling to curl up and hibernate with the bears is shared with half a million people in this country; many of whom do not realize they are suffering from the effects of their hormonal cycles changing with the darkening of days…and not for the better!

Melanin, thyroid and growth hormones are less productive with less light…these are the “get up and go” hormones shared by men and women alike. The fluctuation in hormones doesn’t typically affect basic functioning… you can still make it to work and get through your day. This is how it is different then dystemic disorder or a full-blown depression. However, it can affect your relationships and social life enough to have an impact, in other words…you don’t wanna!

You don’t want to go the extra mile; do that extra project for work, take the kids on that special excursion, treat your partner to a night on the town…your sex drive may diminish and any issues that may have been manageable 3 months ago seem a bit overwhelming now. Basically, sleep and your bed seem to be the most appealing.

So, what to do about the kind of disorder you can anticipate happening yearly? There are several things that work. Make sure you DO get yourself to the gym. At the very least bundle up and take a few walks. Exercise gets the brain chemistry (endorphins and the like) stimulated and helps to make up for the disruption of hormones. You can also purchase full spectrum lamps and bulbs that mimic the outdoor light that your body is missing.

But perhaps most importantly, make sure any issues that have been swirling around, the issues that might make you down on a good day, are handled. Although you may be able to put them on hold for most of the year, when winter comes and SAD strikes, those issues come to the forefront. And although they may be difficult to confront, not doing so may find you too sad for too long. One of the complications of SAD is that it can sometimes progress to a major depression syndrome. However, if you confront and clear up those issues now, it is more likely that in winters to come, you will have enough awareness to make the short days and long nights cozier and happier.

So, take heart, spring will come. You aren’t crazy or lazy…you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Hope this is helpful and, as always, I am here to help.

Jody Miller M.F.T.

For Lights: www.naturebright.com

Couples Counseling: Earlier Intervention!

I think one of the most unfortunate phenomenons concerning couples counseling is that partners wait way too long before deciding to get treatment. The truth is that whenever two people are committed to putting their lives on one track there are going to be some major or minor difficulties. Instead of folks deciding to connect to a unbiased third party they speak with friends and relatives and start polling people they either know together or individually for advice. Invariably, there are prejudices that start to emerge as your friends and relatives all have their own agendas, histories, injuries, etc. that will be projected upon you and your relationship. So as the information starts to come back to you it can often be very dangerous for a developing or even mature relationship. Although people do not mean to take sides it is very difficult to remain unbiased when they see you in pain from your relationship…and so advice that may be given comes from an emotional place rather then a fair and just analysis of what is happening in your relationship.

Another tremendous problem that arises when speaking to loved ones about problems in your relationship is this…. if you two are able to work things out, if and when you decide to forgive your partner, your other loved ones often do not!  So often couples come to me and this specific damage has already been done. And, the problems in the relationship have not been worked out yet! But now there is an added problematic schema….animosity among family members and/or friends, grudges being held, towards your partner whom you have chosen to work it out with….because you still care deeply for that person. So extra pressure is added to an already difficult situation. And now you are defending the person you love to the people you divulged your relationship problems to!

So, please heed this warning and use a therapist before beginning to ask and get opinions from people close to you. Often treatment can be as simple as one session to get through a small rough patch. Sometimes, a little more time and treatment is is necessary. I am always so sad for couples that have let things go so very far unnecessarily. The injuries have just piled up and , although we work like heck to get things on track, there can be that place that is too difficult to return from as a couple…and sometimes the pressure from relatives and friends who have formed negative opinions about your relationship accelerates that process. Okay, so you get it? Come to counseling sooner rather then later and I promise the odds of working things are greatly enhanced.

Hope this was helpful…and ,as always, I am here to help…..

Love in the Time of Facebook (Part 1)

We all are aware of the phenomenon of Facebook…but do you think you are the only couple facing the plague it has brought upon American couples? As a couples’ counselor I have witnessed the devastation. Let me tell you a little bit about it.

5 of 8 couples I sit down with these days have a Facebook story to tell. It probably sounds a little bit like yours. Your partner, whom you never thought would cheat, has had a flirtation…with a childhood sweetheart, with a friend of a friend, with a brand new person who seemed to validate him or her when you didn’t. And when you have broken into their account you are amazed, dazzled, confused and just a little bit angry. Or perhaps they haven’t or couldn’t break into your account (yet) and you are suffering the guilt of one who knows they haven’t quite done anything wrong (yet) but in about 2 minutes you are going somewhere your partner could REALLY have an issue with.

So what is the new normal? When is friending cheating?

I am going to ask you…and I want you to reply to me….but here are my ideas about Love in the Time of Facebook.

If you examine your motives and find you are getting something from your new friend that your partner doesn’t give you. Instead of asking your partner for that interest, that curiosity or that discussion, you are asking your new friend on Facebook. When you are chatting about the inadequacies of your mate or giggling together about your mutual problems with your mates, when you look at your partner and wish you could look at that friend of a friend right now instead When there is the possibility you could meet…catch up on old times, have a drink and a laugh (no foul, no harm),…these are the signs that a line has been crossed.

It is fine when you are making the connection, but it is so not when it is happening to you! So, take heed dear couples, Love in the Time Facebook is not to be taken lightly…let me remind you I charge a hefty fee to bring you guys back from these debacles…and these days The Facebook fallout business is booming! Better you should review the rules of the Facebook game with your partner before you friend another soul…ask each other what is acceptable and what is not. And if there are any questions or concerns…ask ahead of time before you are too far in.

And if the boundaries aren’t clear…ask me…

I hope this helps, and as always, I am here to help.

Please send your comments and questions for further blog discussion to me and we can debate together the new normal…

Treating Adolescents

Question:
What is the top causes of stress that you see in adolescents?
What methods do you recommend to manage stress for this age group?

Answer:
The top cause of stress in adolescents is: disharmony in the home and family

Even though there is a lot of peer pressure, drug and alcohol use, even though hormones are raging and issues around sexuality can be stressful and confusing, even though there is overexposure to sex and violence through the internet, Xbox, etc, and even though part of the healthy development at this age includes issues around dependency and therefore the need to assert oneself and often rebel against authority figures (such as parents and teachers);

If there is a parental system that is balanced and emotionally healthy, teenagers tend to remain stable and relatively anxiety free. When there is disfunction, arguing, alcoholism, and separation and, hence, neglect of the adolescents emerging needs, a teenager (who tends to feel alienated by the sheer strength of the physiological changes occurring) will become stressful and tend to isolate more. A parental system that is open and safe for a teenager to discuss his or her issues with or even that sense of a peaceful, safe environment is the lifeboat of any emerging adult.

So if there is no one at home to talk to I would suggest the adolescent finds an adult mentor, whether in the family, school, a coach or club…someone he/she feels they can trust and then open up to that person…ask questions, tell your problems to, discuss choices…in the end it is a simple formula…a teen doesn’t know what it feels like to be a grown-up with adult responsibilities…and as those responsibilities begin to become apparent (collage boards, romance, finances, etc.) it is SCARY!!! Who knows how to handle all this? The nearest stable adult…hopefully in the family home…but if not…suggest they find one! It beats all the alternative stress relievers by a mile…

Hope this is helpful and, as always, I am here to help.

All Stressed Out (Teen Article)

Jody Miller, M.F.T. offers sound advice for stressed out teens in the Fall 2010 issue of Kiki Magazine. Kiki Magazine is a magazine for girls who love life, appreciate creativity, and recognize good ideas.
Read the Article: “All Stressed Out” by Sara Rowe.

Divorce, Facebook Style

The following article appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer

Posted on Mon, Jul. 12, 2010 By Carolyn Davis

Facebook is being cited in many divorce cases.  Read the article here.